Lately I've been having a recurring daydream in which my current mind and intellect are transported and supplanted into the body and time of myself many years in the past. I still carry the knowledge and experience of the years in between, including world events and things that happened in my life. I'm fairly safe to hazard a guess that this is a manifestation from my subconscious that I'm currently deeply unhappy with the path my life has chosen. An impossible fantasy where I get a second chance, armed with the knowledge of the path I trod, to forge a new one.
I'm fairly well grounded in the surreality I envelope my existence with, but this daydream... I mold and shape vivid and precise details of what I would do, the change I would invoke, even how I would manage to convince my dad why a 13 year old boy would want to spend the money he earned delivering flyers buying stock in a company named 'google'.
The day this idea has chosen is the first day of junior high school, and I'm partly sure it was chosen because my subconscious feels this to be a time where the most change could occur.
fifteen years of forewarning, wisdom, knowledge and experience. If somehow i actually found myself in this position, the excitement of changing for the positive would be tempered with the apprehension that I have to endure the sadness, tragedy, and terror of experiences already lived through, again.
The awesome, the divine, the horrifying, the destruction, of the possibly preventable occurrences. This brings me to the indecision I would have if faced with the burden of foresight.
What would I change? How would I talk to the friend I know isn't long for this world? Could I sit and watch my love play with her best friend, knowing he's going to get sick and die in her arms?
Would I knowingly walk down a road filled with both serene happiness and soul crushing anguish? Or would I stop at the trail head and peer down the dusty track, breathe a heavy sigh, and set my foot onto a path into the unknown?
I'd like to think, some of the hurt was worth it, and still walk down the path I know, if only for the reason the pain makes the happiness that much more real.
I'm fairly well grounded in the surreality I envelope my existence with, but this daydream... I mold and shape vivid and precise details of what I would do, the change I would invoke, even how I would manage to convince my dad why a 13 year old boy would want to spend the money he earned delivering flyers buying stock in a company named 'google'.
The day this idea has chosen is the first day of junior high school, and I'm partly sure it was chosen because my subconscious feels this to be a time where the most change could occur.
fifteen years of forewarning, wisdom, knowledge and experience. If somehow i actually found myself in this position, the excitement of changing for the positive would be tempered with the apprehension that I have to endure the sadness, tragedy, and terror of experiences already lived through, again.
The awesome, the divine, the horrifying, the destruction, of the possibly preventable occurrences. This brings me to the indecision I would have if faced with the burden of foresight.
What would I change? How would I talk to the friend I know isn't long for this world? Could I sit and watch my love play with her best friend, knowing he's going to get sick and die in her arms?
Would I knowingly walk down a road filled with both serene happiness and soul crushing anguish? Or would I stop at the trail head and peer down the dusty track, breathe a heavy sigh, and set my foot onto a path into the unknown?
I'd like to think, some of the hurt was worth it, and still walk down the path I know, if only for the reason the pain makes the happiness that much more real.
posted by Fyrephreak at 4:50 PM
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